Learning to Be Feminine or Unlearning Masculinity 2

Once I gave in to my feminine side things changed.  The world didn't seem as menacing for some reason.  I didn't feel like a little male poodle trying to bark at big dogs.  I accepted myself for who I was, and it was okay.  The big dogs weren't out to get me anyway.  It was just my perception that they were out to get me, and this caused the anxiety and problems.

As I went further down the road of life, and began to explore crossdressing and sissy websites, I saw scores of men who not only liked projecting femininity, but who also adopted a feminine persona.  They talked and acted like girls.  Of course for someone like me, who has lived as a man for so many years, it's a pretty difficult thing to imagine myself doing, but is has made me question whether I act like a man because of societal expectations.  Was I really as girly as these other sissies, but just too scared to act like it?

I mean, my whole core of my self-image has been built around the idea that I'm a man.  As I said before in my other post, I've realized that some of this is complete bullshit, but there is a definite masculine side to me.

The thing I'm having a problem deciding is how much of it is real, and how much is just learned behavior and habit.

The first time I went out dressed, I remember that I didn't feel so much like a woman and let go in the moment.  Instead, I was surprised in a moment of self-reflection while I was walking around in my dress, that I had my same male voice inside my head, and I was thinking in a male way of how to walk and act.  So, in effect, I was a man in a dress that first time I went out dressed.  I didn’t truly embrace the moment.

As time has gone by, I've explored this idea of how much of me is feminine, and have even experimented with trying to use a female voice or think in a feminine way.

To an extent, it's has challenged my resistance to giving in to my femininity.   There definitely is a fear which I think holds me back.  I think I worry that part of my masculinity might slip away and never come back.  Sometimes, though, I love the distinctly feminine feeling I get lying on the couch in a maxi-dress, curling up with a pillow.  I like feeling soft and pretty, and it’s not scary at all.

In another way, though, sometimes I definitely feel masculine.  Usually when I'm out in social situations, I slip into my male persona.  It’s just easier and more comfortable.  And sometimes at home, I just feel masculine.  I don’t want to be prissy, and instead just want to watch football and lie on the couch and eat leftover pizza (although I'm usually dressed from head to painted toes as a girl.)

In the times that I consciously try to make myself act like a really girly, sissy girl, it sometimes only lasts for a few minutes.  It just doesn't seem real, and seems more like an act.  Still, it makes me question of how much is real, and how much my mind is just stubbornly clinging to its male ways.

I guess it's a slow process.  I think that some male traits will be with me forever, but others might slip away eventually.  Perhaps a few years from now I'll be a balanced effeminate man, or perhaps I'll be so girly that I'll be openly dressing as a woman and adopting a completely feminine persona and name.

Only the future will tell, but I’m looking forward to the discovery and the journey.