A few years ago, that question would be easily answered, "Of course all of me is real," I'd boldly say, thinking that I was really in touch with myself. And in some ways I was honest with myself. But as I've further explored my feminine / sissy side, I think I've realized that for a long time, I was constantly in a state of self-deception about my masculinity.
I'm a pretty honest person, but I'll admit there are times when I haven't really been myself before. As I've gone further down the path of femininity, I've realized that I've spent a lot of energy trying to keep up this masculine myth for myself.
I've always been skinny, sensitive, pretty, and different, and as soon as any guy would point that out, I'd bristle and emphatically state the opposite. In fact, I've spent my entire life trying to prove the opposite, when it was painfully obvious to all around me that I wasn't the most macho of men.
I even went so far as to do overtly masculine stuff at times, way beyond my physical limits, to prove that I was just a regular guy. And you know what? I still wasn't proving anything to anyone. All I was doing was deceiving myself.
I think I've always had a sort of social anxiety in the past because I had a latent fear that I wasn't measuring up to people's expectations, and they all knew that I was a phony. I can recall several instances of starting conversations - manly conversations - all the time, just to prove it.
"Did you watch the game?" That type of stuff.
Still, I was full of shit, and when you come from an unreal place, the image you project is unreal, and this was eating me up for several years. I spent so many years pretending to be someone other than who I am.
These past few years, I've slowly learned to embrace my quiet, caring, silly, gentle - feminine side. I don't always try to be Mr. Macho in front of others, because I'm not. And you know what? I think I have better relations and conversations with others now than ever before. It's because I'm more real, and less nervous.
It took me a lifetime to learn this lesson, but I would encourage others to be more of themselves. It's the only way you'll truly be happy.
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